As a therapist, I’m fascinated by the interplay between human psychological development and environment, and how we can support healthier development and behavior. We are all products of our surroundings: family, culture, experiences, climate, and the political and social landscape all shape our minds and bodies. Modern Western culture is deeply influenced by patriarchy, impacting everyone regardless of gender, often harmfully, even for men. This piece explores some of patriarchy’s effects on our nervous systems and offers strategies for mitigation.
Couples therapist Terry Real highlights the psychological divide patriarchy creates between “masculinity” and “femininity.” While the specific traits associated with each vary across cultures, Western culture often codes masculinity with assertiveness, leadership, productivity, direct action, protectiveness, courage, risk-taking, prioritizing work over relationships, and the acceptance of anger but not sadness or fear. Patriarchy rewards men for expressing these traits.
Femininity, conversely, is often coded with empathy, sensitivity, collaboration, grace, softness, nurturing, vulnerability, and the greater social acceptance of emotions like sadness.
This artificial separation of human behaviors (which are accessible to everyone) leads patriarchy to reward expressions of masculine qualities while punishing feminine ones, especially in men. While women might find more social acceptance in expressing feminine traits, these traits are often undervalued, resulting in women collectively having less power. For example, a 10-hour workday or a successful financial risk might earn praise, while prioritizing sleep, connecting with a friend, or nurturing oneself through a massage (feminine-coded behaviors) might be met with internal and external criticism, even though the body thrives on rest, connection, and nurturing. This dissonance shapes our behavior to conform to masculine ideals.
This feedback system, creating dissonance, is crucial. From an evolutionary perspective, social acceptance was essential for survival. Exclusion from the tribe meant facing dangers like predators and harsh environments without support. Our ancestors’ genes, passed down to us, reflect this need for belonging. Men, in particular, have often learned that social acceptance hinges on exhibiting masculine qualities and suppressing feminine ones. The resulting psychological and social dissonance reinforces this learning.
Historically, clearly defined gender roles likely served a purpose, streamlining the complex tasks of survival: securing food and shelter, raising children, and defending against threats. However, modern society has largely overcome the constant threats of starvation, disease, and war that plagued our ancestors. Consequently, traditional gender roles are becoming more fluid, and we are learning to navigate an environment with less rigid social markers.
This brings us to the connection with the nervous system. The vagus nerve, the primary regulator, has two main branches: the parasympathetic and sympathetic. The parasympathetic branch supports “rest and digest” functions and is active during relaxed social connection. In this state, typically feminine-coded qualities—softness, openness to connection, restfulness, intuition, empathy, and nurturing—are more readily expressed. The sympathetic branch, responsible for mobilization (fight or flight), comes online when we need to act or face danger. This branch generally evokes masculine-coded qualities: activity, focus, directness, courage, and risk-taking. Our nervous systems oscillate between these two branches throughout the day, responding to environmental demands. A healthy balance between the two is essential.
In patriarchal cultures, the sympathetic branch is often overactive while the parasympathetic is underutilized. This can manifest as stress, anxiety, overwhelm, reliance on substances, digestive issues, muscle tension, difficulty concentrating, irritability, and poor sleep. Perhaps these symptoms sound familiar to you?
While some individuals adapt well to patriarchal environments, many do not. The demands of work, home, family, finances, technology, and modern systems keep us in a state of sympathetic dominance. Therefore, prioritizing the parasympathetic nervous system is generally beneficial. The parasympathetic system has two branches: the ventral vagal, associated with connection, play, creativity, communication, joy, and curiosity, activates when we feel safe and connected. The dorsal vagal acts as a “brake” for the sympathetic system. While it can trigger freeze, shutdown, and numbness when the sympathetic system is overextended, in its healthy state, it promotes rest, sleep, and meditation.
In conclusion, while the advice I offer might be familiar, I hope this framework provides a new perspective to help motivate you for better self and community care practices. All the well-known self-care practices—sleep, meditation, rest, social connection, singing, dancing, healthy eating, cuddling, slow sex, body awareness activities, prayer, walking, gentle exercise, slow breathing, hugs, and laughter—activate the parasympathetic nervous system. These practices help us counterbalance the systemic negative impacts of patriarchy on our bodies, minds, and relationships.
